I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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