how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
