She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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