It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
