I need to stop coming to work sober
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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