But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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