I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
