apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
whose ass print is on the piano?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
