Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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