that's an acceptable place to lick
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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