Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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