Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
So much rum. So many feels.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Randomize
