I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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