My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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