found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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