it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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