i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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