i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
