had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
