Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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