I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
