In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
