At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
