the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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