haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
