Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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