If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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