I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
