Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
