Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Cover your peen. We're going out.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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