I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I just googled if crying burns calories
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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