Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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