Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
