well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
There are leaves in my underwear?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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