you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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