this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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