My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
