I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
