Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
