Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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