I need to stop coming to work sober
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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