My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Boobs are out for the taking
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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