shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
