apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
