He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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