I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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