Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize