On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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