Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
