WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
