Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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