I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
