If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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