i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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