what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
