I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
