I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
