The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
