Ketchup is God's man juice
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
