I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
